Couples should try to “ listen openly to a partner ’s
perspective , without judgment or defensiveness,
and to negotiate — you have to be willing to give
to get, ” said clinical psychologist Sarah Holley at
San Francisco State University .
Radkowsky agrees and said people often believe
it’s the job of their partner to meet their needs ,
which he calls “ the enemy of cooperation. ” He said
each person in a couple shouldn ’ t be afraid to
meet their own needs , separately .
“ People don ’ t grasp that part of being a happy
couple is also being two strong individuals ,” he
said . “ It’ s good to be in charge of your own mood
no matter how your partner feels . ”
Randall stresses that the study’s findings cannot be
generally applied to the whole population —
particularly because it looked only at heterosexual
couples.
Next , she said , she wants to conduct a similar study
of same- sex couples .
Cooperation
“an act or instance of working or acting together for a
common purpose or benefit… willingly and agreeably.” *
Compromise
“a settlement of differences by mutual concessions; an
agreement reached by adjustment of conflicting or
opposing claims, principles, etc by reciprocal
modification of demands.” *
How many times have you felt frustrated and dissatisfied
by compromise in your marriage? Too often, I’ve
compromised (giving in, giving up) in order to avoid an
argument or disappointing my husband. While avoiding
conflict is important, it should not be done at all costs.
Let me let you in on a little secret:
Peace in your marriage isn’t worth compromising your
beliefs, discounting your tastes and preferences, and
ignoring your emotions.
When you compromise, one or both parties must give
something up in order to preserve peace, unity, and
harmony. While sacrifices in marriage are
essential, compromise implies differences are wrong and
must be fixed or molded to a certain standard. But who
sets this standard? How do you define who will
compromise or who won’t? If you both compromise, do
you feel a sense of unfairness after?
When I got married, yes, I expected to become one with
my husband, but that doesn’t mean that I lost all sense of
my individual self, or that my individual thoughts, opinions,
emotions, desires, and preferences are unimportant. My
husband often talks about how much he appreciates my
ability to think for myself.
Eleanor Roosevelt wrote, “Obedience may have its uses,
but it is no substitution for willing, un-coerced
cooperation. ”
Adam loves me. He doesn’t want to force me to give in
because he wants me to do something. He wants me to
genuinely be willing to do something. Yes, we, as wives,
are called to love, honor, and obey our husbands, but
submission works both ways. Ephesians 5:11 says,
“Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ .” This
mutual submission calls for unified cooperation in order to
wholeheartedly choose what is best for the both of you
together, not separately.
2 Reasons Why Compromise Is So Detrimental
1. Division
In an article in Psychology Today, Michael J. Formica
writes, “Compromise, within the context of relationships, is
troublesome because it implies that someone is giving
something up. Cooperation, on the other hand, strengthens
the underlying fabric of relationship through balanced
interchange, open communication and mutual
understanding. ” Read full article here .
Compromise causes division by forcing the other person
into direct competition with your own self – with what you
want – and forgetting all about what the other person
wants and ultimately needs.
You were forced to give up something for the sake of your
spouse, and they were forced to give up something for
your sake.
Cooperation is about conscious, mutually beneficial
choices. You choose to love and honor your spouse by
walking side-by-side, working through decisions and
problems together, without forcing the other to give in
and give up.
2. Deception
Corey Allen, blogger over at Simple Marriage , even goes as
far to say in Want a Great Marriage? Don’t Compromise,
compromise “sounds great… on paper. But when you get
right down to it, in most every marriage, people don’t
compromise, they cave .” He asks,
…a great life and marriage are the result of a person living
from the best in themselves and by defending what’s true
and right. This is never about compromise. So if you’re
better off not compromising yourself to yourself , you
certainly aren’t better off compromising with your spouse.
After all, isn’t your spouse the one person with whom
you’re supposed to share what’s true and right? And how
can doing what’s truly best for you personally also not be
what’s truly best for your marriage?
When you compromise, you deceive yourself into thinking
you’ve done what’s best for your marriage. But as Corey
Allen says, “Compromise means doing something other
than what you know is best .”
Today Adam and I were playing Civilization 5 on our
computers. The basic idea of the game is to build up your
chosen civilization and be the best at something –
science, culture, domination, or diplomacy – while working
against other human players or AI civilizations. While
Adam was succeeding on his end of the game, I was
fighting invading AI countries and barbarians while my
economy was in the gutter and I was unable to build up
any more defensive military units of my own. The
computer was competing against me and winning, and I
was at the mercy of whatever the computer decided after
each of my turns.
Compromise is like a turn-based game. Compromise
makes it all about “your turn” vs. “his turn.” You are both
forced to defend yourself and sometimes it can feel like a
lost or hopeless cause, and you cave instead of
compromising or cooperating. Someone always has the
upper hand. Someone always comes away unhappy.
Someone always loses.
So What Does Biblical Cooperation Look Like?
Ephesians 4:1-3 says, “… walk in a manner worthy of the
calling to which you have been called, with all humility
and gentleness, with patience, bearing with one another in
love, eager to maintain the unity of the Spirit in the bond
of peace” (ESV).
This brings us to 2 other C’s – Calling and Choice.
What is our calling? To no longer walk in the ways of the
world, according to our own human flesh, as we’ve been
reconciled to God, but to imitate Christ, and walk by faith
through grace, and to actively live the life God has
prepared for us. [Ephesians 2].
How are we to walk?
Choose humility – This means not thinking any
better of yourself or less of yourself because you’re
identity is defined by Christ, not by any person or
working of your own. This means remembering
that self-deprecation – feeling like your opinions,
beliefs, thoughts, or ideas are worthless – is also
a form of pride, leading you to compromise not
doing what you should and can do because you’re
afraid of failure or conflict.
Choose gentleness – Stephen Kendrick, author of
The Love Dare, writes, “It’s an attitude and spirit
of cooperation that should permeate our
conversations. It’s like a palm tree by the ocean
that endures the greatest winds because it knows
how to gracefully bend. ” Compromise leaves a
person feeling a loss, like being knocked off your
feet by the wind. Loss can stir in a person
frustration, anger, bitterness, regret, hopelessness,
and a whole host of other negative emotions,
especially when you or your spouse is feeling
forced into a situation Cooperation teaches a
person to kindly evaluate together and gently let
things go once a decision is made. Max Lucado,
Christian author, writes, “I choose gentleness…
nothing is won by force… I choose to be gentle .”
Choose patience – Immediate compromise doesn’t
solve a dilemma. It merely patches over the
problem. Compromise doesn’t take any real
thought or effort. It’s easy to point out what you
think your spouse should give up and it’s easy to
quickly defend why you shouldn’t give something
of your own up. Patience requires you to slow
down and to recognize and celebrate each other’s
differences and choose the best possible path for
you both in the long term – not what’s good for
only one of you now.
Choose to bear in love – Compromise is about
seeking fairness and justice. Cooperation is serving
one another in love. Was it fair that Christ had to
bear the burden of our sins? Absolutely not. But
He did it anyway out of love for us. Love isn’t
about being fair. Love is about Christlike living.
God could’ve chosen to save us in a different way,
but instead He sent His Son to live among us and
to build relationships with us. When a husband
and wife choose to love one another as Christ
loved the Church, they seek relationship.
Competition and compromise doesn’t require a
relationship in order to succeed. Cooperation does.
Cooperation thrives on mutual respect, edification,
encouragement, forgiveness, patience, and
reconciliation.
Choose unity – When married couples talk about
compromising it’s really about two individuals
deciding to give up or give in, essentially caving.
This doesn’t foster unity. This doesn’t build
relationship. In fact, it tears the relationship down
and kicks the real problem under the rug.
Marriage is about working toward what is true,
right, and good for you both together, measured up
against the yardstick of Scripture. It’s not about
keeping the peace. Because compromise divides
you, you both stand alone. Cooperation binds you
and you can stand together unified in Christ.
Ecclesiastes 4:12 attests to this: “Though one may
be overpowered, two can defend themselves, but
a cord of three strands is not quickly broken .” Let
me put it to you another way: Compromise = you
vs. your spouse. Cooperation = you + your spouse
+ Christ.
Success of relationship series ©2
